you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
