There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
