I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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