That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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