what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
