i'm signing you up for texting rehab
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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