Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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