Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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