Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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