Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
