I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
