the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
either way he was missing a nipple.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You've changed since you got that strap on
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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