Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
