I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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