Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
