The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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