I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
