I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
