new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
