just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
