dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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