I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
