we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
