If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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