I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
