Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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