Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
