in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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