needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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