He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
