"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
