Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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