Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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