My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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