this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
