Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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