I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
