I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
