Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
please come you make the beer taste better
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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