there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
