its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
