He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
