She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
