My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
