The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
