Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
