You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
