i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
