I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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