my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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