What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Found the puke drawer
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
